Jun 15, 2015

Cancer, Living With The Word

Fold up all your wounds,
tuck them into another hour,
and never let them see you cry.

No, that's not me. I am good with a smile and a joke, but not good about hiding pain when it effects my children. Dawn, my oldest daughter, has had cancer. She lost her left kidney to the disease in 2008. It was another physical hit among all she has taken over the years. 

She has been for the most part an unanswered question for every doctor she has come in contact with over the past seventeen years. Oh, they have tossed out things like Lupus, Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Wegener's, etc. etc., but there has been no definitive diagnosis. 

Now she is again facing questions, one being cancer. Yes, I wrote it. It is a word I don't like to speak. I don't want to give it airtime when all I have at this point is fear to spill into the universe. A recent MRI presented some question marks that will require biopsies. I won't step out on the cancer bridge until or if I need to cross it. 

Sometimes I really feel like the weak link in the support chain. I don't feel brave or a warrior on my child's behalf. I hold it together as best I can. So much of me wants her right where I can see her, touch her, but that isn't a life she needs or one that I should live either.

Cancer, yes there is living with the word. My daughter is proof of it. I have fears, but they don't own me. There will be plenty of tears along the way. It is my way of coping. My resolve grows a little stronger after the rain.

You can read Dawn's thoughts about cancer here:
Let's Change The Way We Talk About Cancer