Sep 30, 2014

I Can't Keep Apologizing ~ Brain Injury Survivor

I am not sure why I need to say this, but I do. In 2006 I suffered a traumatic brain injury as the result of a car accident. The frontal lobes of my brain were damaged. It left me with ADHD and personality changes. I have been told, "I want the old Susie back or don't lose all of who you were." I can't get back what is no longer there. I have apologized for it, but I will no longer do that. I am told elements of who I always was are there, but others will never return because the connection is gone. My dear husband, Charlie, has been through the roller coaster ride. Of everyone he knows the changes, lived the changes, loved me through the changes. Not even he or my daughters know the times I have been alone and cried because of all of it.

It really isn't important or earth shattering that when I opened a closet door and looked at scrapbooks and supplies I felt no connection, couldn’t really remember creating the scrapbooks. I had no desire to even pursue the hobby.  Yet, it was scary. It was like looking at something a stranger left behind.  I gathered up everything and gave it away

My ideas on religion have changed. I don't identify with religious. I have faith, seek spirituality, I pray. I've seen miracles, I love, I seek peace. I can no longer align with organized religion, but I bless others who find love and compassion there. It brought too much pain to my family.

My ADHD is frustrating at times for me and I know it is for Charlie. My scatterbrain thoughts take me from project to project around the house. That is not always a good thing. I may open the dishwasher in the morning, see a cardinal outside my window, run for my camera, hear a thought in my head, pick up a journal….in the evening I see the dishwasher still open.

I could go on and on, but I think it gives a small idea of what I am living with. Yes, living with! I am a survivor. I can’t keep saying I am sorry I have changed. I am working with the me I know. If that is something you can’t accept, there is nothing I can do.