Sep 17, 2011

I should have, but I didn't

Just another day, I got up with the alarm clock playing its tired buzz.  Just once I would like to greet the morning with a smile. Too many days of tossing and turning have added up to me feeling more like a Zombie than human.

I hate sleeping alone. The other side of the bed feels like it has its own zip code. I should be used to it by now. It has been six months since Darrell left me. Each night I think I am prepared to face an empty pillow staring at me, but I roll over and see it and I am back to the first night alone again.

Why didn’t I see it coming? I should have. In retrospect there were so many signs, late nights at work, always keeping his cell phone next to him and out of town trips for work.  I couldn’t see adultery because my eyes were filled with denial. Darrell was good at feeding me what I wanted to hear.

The redundancy of my emotions is like a talk show in reruns, the same people saying the same thing getting the same results. I have to, no I must, move on. This pity party train I have been on needs to stop. I should be relieved he is gone. My life had been spent doing what he wanted. I think it is the unknown that frightens me. I had been too comfortable swimming in the stagnant pool of my marriage than risk the ocean of change with its uncertainty.

This has got to be something other than just another day. My life is my own now. I get to make the decisions on its course. I have had too many days of tears. Perhaps I should let my shower symbolize washing the whine out of my life. Yes, this is as good a day as any to start again. Perhaps I will start by throwing away that damn pillow!


This is a story written from Carry On Tuesday's prompt I (she,he) should have seen it coming. It is fiction, but the emotion is real. I have known too many people who have lived this scenario.
©Susie Clevenger 2011
Written for Prompt #123


carryontuesday

7 comments:

  1. While i dont have words to console you or help you in any way, i can tell you that i can somehow understand your pain. I myself aint married . . Yet i have lost the most special person in my life . . . . And yes for a very long time i too had 're runs of talk shows'. And writing is a very good vent to emotions . . . You ll get over it sister. . .

    ReplyDelete
  2. making decisions for yourself is a learning process.
    you are smart already.
    best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thank all of your for your concern, this is a story. It is not about me, but the emotions that fueled it are real. My daughters are both going through divorces and my heart is heavy with their pain.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is beautifully written and I'm sure it strikes a chord in many of those who read it. Thanks so much for taking part in Carry On Tuesday. It's pieces like this that make it all worthwhile.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hello Susie,

    Thank for dropping by in return. I must say that I like your decency on talking about so painful things. I have been there, I think I can imagine how you feel someday. Time is the only cure I know that helps, if you also have friends and enough will to leave another life, your best life, that you can not imagine someday. Well I had the chance that my friends never gave up on me even when I did myself. It's help a lot.

    Nice tuesday, take good care

    Grace

    ReplyDelete
  6. The emotions are real that everyone of us can relate to it, especially the pillow case.. every morning, may not everytime, but mostly i too feel the same, if the day before went badly, its undefinable..

    good one and well written..:)

    ReplyDelete